I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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