Jerry, you need to find god
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
