I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
