walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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