between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
