I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
