Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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