if i can run in heels then i can drive
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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