When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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