I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
