she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
