she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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