Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
