I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
