I CAN MOONWALK!
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
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