Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
