Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
