Capitaan dildo arrescate!
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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