she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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