She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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