I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
