I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
