First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
