I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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