Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
