I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Randomize
