it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
