Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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