Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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