Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
