This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
