fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
