you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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