im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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