i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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