Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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