If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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