I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
We had sex on a dog bed..
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
