Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
