I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
