all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
