You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Randomize
