mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
