I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
