You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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