I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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