dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
They are going to name an STD after you.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
