cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
