I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
