remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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