you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
