So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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