did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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