i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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