When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
