ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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