Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
