To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
