Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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