In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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