party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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